Thursday Thoughts: Seasons Change

Right now, I find myself in this tricky season of life. I'm an almost 40 year old who has been married almost 12 years. My husband and I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old and a 16 month old. So, for those of you trying to do the math, there are 7 and a half years between the baby and our middle child. That might not seem like a super big gap, but it feels like one to me. 

It's strange to be starting over with a baby when all of my friends' kids are nearing the end of elementary school and moving on to middle school and even some going into high school. So, I find myself as a mostly stay-at-home mom with a one year old and 80% of my focus has shifted back to poop and diapers and board books and sleeping (or not sleeping) and pretty much all of my friends have moved way past this season of life. I feel like I'm going backwards. At the very least, its like I'm riding a donkey and my friends are in sports cars. I'm straddling two life seasons and think I need some friends who are also in this baby season.

When I was a brand new mom, I went to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting. I had been staying at home with our infant son for 3 months and was feeling a little isolated and unsure of what it meant to be a mom and how to navigate the waters of friendship with other moms. That was a new season for me, too.

When I walked into that MOPS meeting 10 years ago I found just what I needed. Community, support and some of my dearest friends. There's no MOPS group in our town right now, but there is a MOMS Club which is similar in that it offers support and community for moms in the young child stage of life. The local MOMS Club recently held an new member open house at a local coffee shop and I thought it might be a perfect time to check it out and see if I might want to jump in and be a part of a group like that again since I have a little one again. A low risk way to seek out some friends in my season of life.

When the day of the open house came the baby was a little sniffly and so I left her with my mom and headed to the coffee shop on my own. I went to the MOMS Club new member open house by myself. Without my baby. The coffee shop was PACKED with cute, young moms with babies on their hips and there I was with no baby. And, remember how I said I was almost 40??? Well, these moms are about 10 years younger and 10 years cuter than me so I was feeling super old and super the opposite of cute. And there I was... with no baby. Awkward. They probably thought I was some weirdo who just happened to stumble into the coffee shop to get a coffee and decided to stick around to try and steal one of their kids.

Truth be told, everyone I spoke to was VERY kind and there were lots of other moms who were there just to check it out like me. But, I'm an introvert through and through. It may have been the most extroverted thing I've EVER done to walk into a coffee shop full of other women without the safety net of my baby on my hip and just walk up to people and start talking to them. I NEVER DO THAT. That is the definition of torture for me. So, if you happen to be reading this and you are one of the people that I talked to, thank you for being so kind! I guess my extroverted effort really speaks to how concerned I am about this season of life issue.

I stayed for about 15 or 20 minutes and as I was getting back into the car with my Chocolate Chai Latte (delicious by the way!) I started wondering if I really NEEDED the Moms Club. Maybe it was my introverted panic and all that effort made me question the need to start up a whole new set of friendships.  I already have a great circle of friends, so was it REALLY that big a deal that none of them had babies? Was it worth the time and energy to develop more relationships just because those women had babies? Could I really relate to these young moms since I am so old???

So, I've been wrestling with this season of life thing for the last 3 or 4 months. It seems like I keep bumping up against the advice that we all need people in our lives that go before us and come after us and we can all lend each other a helping hand. We so often tend to run our race of life alongside people just like us - people who are doing the same thing we do. What I keep feeling God tell me is that there's value in surrounding ourselves with people who have already been through what we are facing as well as those who may need help in the future with something WE have already faced.

One of my favorite author/bloggers, Sophie Hudson, has a new book coming out in June called Giddy Up, Eunice: Because Women Need Each Other and it's about this very idea. If this description of the book doesn't sum up what I'm working through I don't know what does...

"It’s easy for women to focus on what seems to separate us: differences in age, parenting styles, career goals, or maybe even core beliefs about whether leggings can adequately serve as pants (the struggle is real, y’all). The reality, though, is that we have far more in common than we realize, and since Scripture shows us the blessing of friendships across generations, it’s high time we step out of our same-age, same-stage silos. Life is so much better that way.

Sophie Hudson, in the delightfully quirky Southern style her readers have come to know and love, sends out a rallying cry for women everywhere to open our eyes and see the people God has put in our lives—whether they’re behind us, beside us, or in front of us. It is such a gift to love one another, walk with one another, and soak up the blessings that flow across all generations.

Saddle up, sister. This is going to be fun."

Well.

You better believe I've already pre-ordered this book.

After I'd been pondering on this theme for a couple of weeks, I saw a post about the next IF:Table discussion topic. The IF:Table is an idea that came out of the IF: ministry movement and basically its gathering a small group of women around the table once a month to share a meal and discuss a certain topic and how it relates to our faith. The topic that was put out most recently was to discuss life seasons and how we can relate to those women who are in a different season. Ummmm... sign me up.

Well, actually, I signed myself up. I hosted my own IF:Table last weekend. I invited 5 women who are all in different seasons from each other and from me - single, single mom, married no kids, married with teenagers and a brand new grandma. I was soooooooooooo excited to get these women around the table. They were from all different parts of my life - kids teachers, work acquaintances, church friends... some knew each other, others only knew me. It was delightful. We kicked off our discussion with the first question...

How would you define the season you are in and what are some of the relational challenges being in that season?

It was so amazing to hear each woman around the table share about her season and where she was struggling and where she found strength. I was so encouraged to learn that I didn't need to run out and purposely FIND women going through the exact same thing I was going through. These women and so many others around me are already here and our joy and our struggles are so similar regardless of the season. The greatest joy comes in sharing life. Period. 

So, I think I'll continue loving the people around me regardless of the season and I'm going to go to the MOMS Club, too. We moms need all the support we can get. Maybe there's a new mom in that group who needs the advice of an old mom like me. ;-)

I'm so glad that God hit me over the head with this message. When something keeps coming up in front of me, I know He's trying to tell me something. And, He's always right. And, that's such a comfort. 

Reunion Redux: The Girls

It's been 20 years since I graduated high school. It seems like forever ago and then certain memories feel like they just happened yesterday. I was one of those people in high school who was CERTAIN I would be back for every reunion and I would never forget anyone. When that's your whole life, you can't conceive of a life that's any different. It's kind-of like when you change jobs and after you've only been gone a few weeks, they call you from your old job with a random question about something. All of a sudden you can't quite remember the details. Our brains just don't keep all that old information anymore if it isn't pertinent to life today. At least my brain doesn't. Please don't tell me you remember everything, because I. Do. Not. Blessing and a curse.

So, the 10 year class reunion came and went and I didn't attend. I just didn't have a burning desire to be trapped in a bar with a bunch of people that I wasn't that close to 10 years earlier. Fast forward 10 more years and the advent of Facebook and all manner of social media and I've got approximately 150 "friends" on Facebook that I graduated with. I see details of their everyday lives on the regular. For me, this makes an actual face to face reunion seem even more awkward because all of that small-talk conversation is irrelevant. I already know how many kids everyone has and where they're living and what kind of job they have. And again, being trapped in a bar did not seem appealing to me.

HOWEVER, the 20 year reunion weekend was going to include an afternoon tour of my high school. My husband, Jim also graduated from the same high school, so I thought that would be fun for us to go back and take the kids so they could see some of our history. Our hometown is only about 90 minutes away, so I knew it would be an easy trip. Of course other members of my graduating class would be there, but my fear of small-talk would be eased because there really wouldn't be time for small-talk because there would be a tour guide talking the whole time. We would have to be quiet and listen! Aha! Perfect!

As the day drew closer, I started thinking about The Girls. Back in the day there was a group of 6 of us that were pretty inseparable. We went to dances together in various combinations, acted in the high school plays together, slept over at each other's houses sooooo many times, ate pizza, drove back and forth between each other's houses, talked on the phone!!, wrote notes, all of the typical early 1990s high school stuff. I'd kept in touch with all of them in one way or another, but we hadn't ALL been together in YEARS - maybe not since graduation.

This is the 1995 senior picture version of The Girls. That's me in the middle. My poor bangs. 

One of The Girls had recently moved back to our hometown with her husband and 5(!) kids. (She was a super quiet only child and we are all just as shocked as can be that she is the one who ended up with a whole herd of kids. But when you see her with all those kids it's the most natural thing in the world.) Another of the girls has always lived about 15 minutes outside of our hometown with her husband and 3 kids. The third lives about 2 hours away with her husband and 2 kids. The 4th was coming into town for the ACTUAL REUNION in the bar- she's always been a wild one ;-). So, I messaged them all on dear old Facebook and we decided to meet up after the tour of the high school for a couple of hours. I was so thrilled to get to see some of them.

One of The Girls was going to bring her kids to the tour also and that was super exciting because I knew I would feel at ease with her. What I did NOT anticipate was how we would immediately fall back into step. When I walked through the doors of the school with my family and I saw her standing there waiting for me I couldn't contain myself! I hugged her with an enthusiasm I hadn't realized was there. We immediately began talking and pretty much didn't shut up for the whole 2 hour tour (so much for being quiet and listening to the tour guide). Memories flooded my brain and I soaked up every minute we had together.

My big kids thought it was hilarious to get inside the lockers at the high school.

After the tour we met up with the other 3 Girls and had THE. BEST. TIME. My poor husband and our baby hung in like champs. The big kids had an absolute ball because between the 5 of us Girls there were 13 kids present, so there was no shortage of playmates. But, there was only one other husband there for Jim to chat with and the baby hadn't napped in hours. I brought a scrapbook I had made for my high school graduation party and there were yearbooks to peruse, of course, but the most important thing we did was sit around a living room and talk our heads off.

You know what? People don't really change. They might drop a bad habit or pick up a good one along life's road, but the personality they show you today will pretty much be the one you'll see 20, 40 or 60 years from now. I LOVED these Girls 20 years ago and as I sat in that living room I realized I loved them still. I think that's the beauty of friends from the old days. Your hearts beat together. You grew up side by side, you weathered some storms, you probably had drama, but that's so far in the past and what remains is the love. It tickled me to death to be reminded of their sense of humor and how one of them can dominate the conversation cracking us up and then make us cry in the next breath. Hearing one of them talk about a scary surgery, made me hold my breath. Having them next to me as flesh and bones made me realize how I would ache if I lost one of them too soon. Facebook, email and texting are no replacement for real live laughter, tears, hugs and smiles.

I think we look so much more awesome than the 1995 version of ourselves. We have aged well. And so have my bangs.

When it was time to say goodbye, it was hard to walk away. The wild one who was going to the actual reunion had to leave early to go get ready and she probably told us 10 times that she had to go, but we all just kept talking and she just kept on not leaving. We tried to clean up and get our kids in order but we stood in the kitchen talking 20 more minutes. We got to the front door and lingered there 5 minutes more. We walked to the driveway and got caught up in another conversation. When we finally drove away, I was so sad to leave them.

But love remains.